Healing from a “Broken Heart”
Lots of things can break our hearts. That’s because the average person cares about many things and people. Think about it. Make a list of all the things, people, ideas, concepts, places, pets you care about. Every single one of them could be a source of heartbreak. Even with the risk of pain and hurt, it is healthy to take the plunge because we also get lots of joy, happiness, laughter, growth, and essential lessons. It’s beneficial to have a whole human experience—the “good” with the “bad.” While that makes sense intellectually, heartbreak can be gut-wrenching and devasting.
For this micro-blog, I’m using the term “broken heart” to describe the archetypal feeling that can arise when we break ties or experience disappointment with a significant other, family member, or friend. I’m not referring to the experience when a loved one passes away, though some of this may translate.
Chances are, if it were only your heart that was broken, you could tend to those wounds, and you would heal relatively fast (this depends on the depth of the heartbreak and the circumstances, of course). What makes heartbreak extra challenging to process is that it’s not just your heart; it’s your brain and ego.
Our brain is making a story of what this all means about us. Example stories:
1. “I must’ve not been good enough.”
2. “I’m not lovable.”
3. “I must not be worthy of love/respect/compassion.”
4. “If this person couldn’t love me/respect me/take care of me, no one else will.”
5. “I would’ve/should’ve/could’ve done something differently.”
6. “I must’ve done something wrong.”
To be clear, some of these could be true, mostly 5-6. (In general, I believe we are good enough and worthy and still benefit from growing and improving.) Maybe you did do something “wrong.” Maybe you inflicted harm, and the other person had healthy boundaries, self-love, and respect and wasn’t having any of that. Good for them! For the record, I’m referring to the version of “I must’ve done something wrong” that makes you take more than your fair share of responsibility.
The above stories can push us to guilt, shame, and even anxiety. That trio is a heavy mix. Healing of any kind is a messy process, and broken hearts are MESSY. So it’s almost laughable for me to list these as if they existed in some sort of neat, linear process. I would say all of these live in a giant cauldron, and you can do your best to separate them if and when you deem necessary for your process.
To heal from a broken heart:
do whatever you need to do without harming yourself or others
give yourself time and space to identify:
all of the emotions—give them names and locate them in your body
all of the stories you are creating about the cause of the heartbreak—write out (or talk out) the complete narrative and locate it in your body
all the parts of you that are activated (i.e., your inner child, your protector, ego, etc.) and find them in your body
hold all of this. This part can be so annoying. It might involve crying, screaming, disconnecting from the rest of the world, and escape tactics (do you, but be careful with those). It can also involve going for walks, jogging, working out, coloring, or beginning a new hobby.
begin to make sense and understand those three elements. At some point, you might even make connections between them and create a larger narrative that your brain might appreciate, but more importantly, you have paid attention to your whole, human self, including your body.
Give yourself grace and patience. I have been there. Heartbreak is hard. But this has been true every single time: there were vital lessons about myself and my needs/wants that I had to learn. Shoutout to all the folks who helped me understand the beautiful and ugly lessons. I hope I also contributed to their growth in the best way I knew how at the time.
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