How to Heal: From People Pleasing

To put it bluntly, people-pleasing is an exercise of self-betrayal. Think about it: if you are busy pleasing others, you are not pleasing yourself. You are, in effect, betraying yourself, denying yourself, and de-prioritizing yourself.

How does it feel to read that? Did you get defensive? Did you think: “Noooo, that’s not true because what if….” Did you have the opposite reaction and think, “Oh, crap! That IS what people-pleasing makes you do!”

If there was proper balance and between pleasing yourself and pleasing others, you would likely not identify as a “people-pleaser.” The nature of people-pleasing inherently requires you to put others’ needs before your own.

How do we heal from people-pleasing?

For some, reframing people-pleasing may be all it takes. Acknowledging that you can’t constantly please others without sacrificing yourself in the process could be the realization that you need to stop, or at least drastically decrease. However, this may not be enough.

The people-pleasing started for a reason. There could be childhood trauma associated with people-pleasing making it a trauma or survival response. Notice what you get out of people pleasing, and you will likely come across a deeper need you are looking to fulfill. Are there different ways you can get that same need met?

Coaching, therapy, and/or deep self-introspection will be helpful in unpacking what’s wrapped up in people-pleasing.

For additional reading, check out the How to Detach Series.      

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