How to Heal from Conflict Avoidance

Most people avoid conflict because they fear something and/or don’t feel confident in some aspect of their communication skills. Communication skills can be learned and practiced. The trickier one is figuring out what to do if fear is the culprit. Once fear gets involved, our amygdala, stress hormones, and larger nervous system are likely firing off like crazy.  

So, what do we do? Get to the origin story of the fear.

What causes the avoidance?

1.     Is the fear that a colleague will no longer want to be your friend? Grown adults tell me this all the time. The origin story could stem from: people-pleasing tendencies, trauma from not fitting in with specific groups or communities or being bullied earlier in life, etc.

2.     Is it fear that the other person won’t understand your perspective? The origin story could stem from: historical pain from not being heard or understood in the past, not having space, or even the expectation to talk things out openly and safely.

3.     Is it fear of feeling uncomfortable? This one is my favorite because it brings about an energy of entitlement that we are owed comfort no matter where we go. Not true. Folks from marginalized groups know all too well that this is not the case and that courage, despite fear, is the strategy.

Is it ever okay to avoid conflict? Sure! You can do whatever you want. I’m not in the business of telling people what to do with their lives, but before you make that decision, I recommend doing this first.

Ask yourself: Am I avoiding this because I'm scared or think it would make things awkward or uncomfortable, or am I choosing my peace and can let this go (without ever bringing it up again)? Pick your battles for sure, but fear should not influence your decision.

Affirmation: My power is in my voice. My power is in my peace.

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